Last night I encountered a cockroach the size of my thumb just chilling on my hallway ceiling, like, NBD.
No, cockroach. B. D. Okay? I had to go and run and get my poison spray and then spray A LOT of it until the stupid thing was DEAD DEAD DEAD because I CANNOT DEAL WITH COCKROACHES IN MY HOUSE. And I am so careful, I keep a very clean house, ALL FOODSTUFFS EVEN UNOPENED ONES live in my fridge to try to cut down on the attractiveness of my home to cockroaches, but no, here in the swampy climate of the South, COCKROACHES INSIST ON COMING INSIDE.
And I do not get WHY. Like, why has word not gone out in the bug community that my house is not a safe place, that I VIOLENTLY KILL THEM, that they should avoid me? This is the problem bugs and I are having: THEY ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO AVOID ME. I AM GIVING THEM THE ENTIRE OUTDOORS. I ASK FOR JUST A FEW SQUARE FEET INSIDE HERE.
Someone on Twitter suggested I start arranging their carcasses outside my front door like hanged pirate skeletons to warn other bugs HOW SERIOUS I AM but I’m just worried that would cause the bugs to all band together to wreak vengeance on me.
So instead I went to the store today to buy MORE POISON FOR MY HOUSE. I decided my plan of attack would be to spray the poison outside. So I went outside to spray my door and…
LOOK WHAT I FOUND ON IT. LOOK AT THAT THING. WHAT EVEN IS THAT THING. THAT THING IS SOME KIND OF VICIOUS ALIEN CREATURE BUG THAT WAS CRAWLING ON MY DOOR TRYING TO GET INTO MY HOUSE. STOP IT, BUGS. LEAVE ME ALONE NOW.
I killed it violently with poison, yes.
I learned later it was some kind of tufted caterpillar thing? Apparently, if you touch it, you feel like you’ve been stung. And it EATS ENTIRE FORESTS. That’s what I decided to understand from the Internet, anyway.
BUT WHATEVER. THE ONGOING TRAVAILS OF ME AND OUTDOOR THINGS CONTINUE.
Most important question of the night, though: Who would be better at killing bugs—Benedict Cumberbatch or Joseph Gordon-Levitt? This is clearly necessary for me to know so I know how to break a boyfriend tie between them.
Honestly I don’t think either. Benedict may have been a super sexy badass killer in STiD, but he strikes me as the type of man who (depending on the bug of course) would jump up onto a chair to avoid it. Though perhaps he and Levitt would get a newspaper and pick up the bug and deposit it outside so who’s to say really